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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  November 14, 2012 7:30pm-8:00pm PST

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(cheers and applause) >> jon: at least now i'm beginning to understand why southern states were so hesitant to get rid of the confederate flag. it's like keeping your fat pants after you lose some weight. (laughter) you're happy for now with the new you but pretty soon you're going to need those fat pants again. there's pizza in staten island and -- i'm not surprised. we were warned reelect that obama would have dire consequences for our union, for our standing in the world, and retail! >> west gate resort c.e.o. david siegel e-mailed his employees and said he would have no choice but to fire people if president obama is reelected and his personal income tax rates go up. robert murray, c.e.o. of murray energy sent a letter to his employees hectoring them to donate to the company's political action committee telling them if they did not "the coal industry will be eliminated and so will your jobs." >> jon: well, guess what? those people were right. despite no objective change in
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who's running the country or the situation the country is in, c.e.o.s are taking action. like coal magnate robert murray who said he would have to fire people if obama won and then fired people while they were still counting florida. who would have thought? (laughter) a prophecy fulfilled by the professor seer. like a weather man forecasting scattered showers and then running up on the roof and peeing on people. (laughter) "you're lucky i didn't call for hail!" (laughter) >> well, they left me no choice. we're going to see reduced economic activity in america. we're going to see reduced electric power consumption. we're going to see drastically reduced coal markets. >> jon: a greedy black-hearted man who owns a coal mine. well, now i've seen everything. (laughter) but it's not just those who provide compressed lumps of dead animals to fuel your home who are affected. (laughter) it's also those who provide compressed lumps of dead animals to fuel your body. >> our next guest says he might have to move some of his
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employees from full time to part time if president barack obama gets reelected. joining us now is zane tankel, he runs i think 42 applebee's franchises. >> jon: i'm going to stop you right there. zane tankel? (laughter) that's who you want me to accept? zane tankel? no. no. (applause) zane tankel does not run an applebee's. zane tankel is an intergalactic bounty hunter who gets in fight with buck rogers. (laughter) i'm sorry, resume your interview with zane tankel. >> we won't build more restaurants. we won't hire more people. >> you run an applebee's. (laughter) here's a cost-cutting idea. don't serve your double-barrel whiskey fried creamy steak and chimichanga sliders in troughs. (laughter) not only should you provide your employees health care, you should be personally apologizing to our nation's physicians. (laughter) anybody else got a problem with
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it? >> papa john's c.e.o. says the company may have to reduce worker hours to save money on health care. >> jon: no, not a papa john's! (laughter) anybody but a papa john's! i'd wrather the paparazzi or the pa p.a. pa smear. (laughter) what's his problem? >> the c.e.o. says obamacare will cost their chain up to $8 million a year and could force it to cut employee hours. >> all right, that's not nothing. they are a $3 billion a year business for corporate and franchisees but you have to find that $8 million somewhere and it's not nothing. okay, let me just -- i apologize. pie is $10, i think, at papa john's. that's the equivalent of like a million pizzas. where are are you kwroeupbggoing find a million pizzas? >> what are we going to do to kick off this season? >> one million free pizza's from papa john's. >> all season long papa john's have two million free pizzas. >pizzas. >> jon: i just have no (bleep)ing idea how they're going to do this.
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(laughter) hey, i know, job creators, see me at camera three. thanks for joining me, i know you've got a busy schedule job creating and the bootstrap pulling and all so i'll keep this brief or i'll proactively downsize the time span intensity of our dialogue vis-a-vis -- whatever. all right. (laughter) guys i get it, providing health care benefits to employees cost money and as a group you tend to prefer things that do not cost that. (laughter) i watch "undercover boss." (laughter) but own your layoffs and your policies. let's stop pretending that suddenly this election bosses have been transformed into reluctant as (bleep)s. (laughter) obamacare is just the latest excuse to wriggle out of the social contract. for many years full time benefits like sick days marx ternty leave, pensions, lunch hours, chairs, have disappeared by magically transforming full-time workers into independent contractors or
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part-time 20-year temp help. (laughter) want to avoid paying half of your employees' social security tax? reclassify them as independent contractors so they pay it all themselves. make them fill out a 1099. that's not a full-time busboy, that's juan co, l.l.c . don't forget to invoice us, juan co. (laughter) so let's cut the "i'd love to be able to give employees health care, i just can't." let's face the facts. pizza and coal companies are just unlucky enough to have a labor force that can't be outsourceed. you happen to be in one of the few industries that still has to hire americans. if you could outsource your pizza making to china papa john's would quickly become papa-san. which is actually japan. but, you know, for the joke you understand. it's your fault! you could have gone tech, papa john. founded instagram and made a billion dollars. instead you made pizzas with a filter that makes them taste
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like it's 1979. (laughter) and murray with the coal company. don't pretend you're not going to fire all your human coal miners the minute you figure out how to train bats to carry coal lumps up out of the ground. not that you guys don't have a legitimate gripe against this president. obama has fought harder for single payer health care business owners like you would never have to pay another premium in your lives. (cheers and applause) you could stuff your pizza crust with money and still sell them for $10 and if obama banned natural gas fracking then coal wouldn't be getting its ass kicked in the -- what's it called, again? free market. (laughter) so maybe next time take all the millions you donated for partisan political purposes and pump it back into the type of health care advances that may ultimately increase business productivity. (cheers and applause) and then we can just finally keep pizza out of politics. (laughter) because at a certain point it's
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going to make children's parties very uncomfortable. >> hey, citizens! you must resist the presidency of barack hussein obama. send him back to kenya! show your birth certificate and play for free! >> jon: we'll be right
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>> jon: hey, everybody, welcome back to the show!
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so yesterday we were talking about that story of the four star general and c.i.a. chief david petraeus who has had this affair with his biographer paula broadwell, it was discovered when she started harassing this other lady jill kelley because she thought kelley might be getting too close to petraeus. anyway. (laughter) since then we found out jill kellye may have been inappropriately e-mailing with general john allen who has now had his promotion to supreme allied commander of europe ended. i've got to say, all this has the makings of a pretty sweet military-themed video game. (laughter) now, in case -- (laughter). don't -- you know if you're just going to encourage this kind of thing -- (laughter). we will continue to pun this way. (laughter) in case you're having difficulty reconciling the hard news value
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of this with the high school lunchroom table gossip element, rest assured, you are not alone. >> just a second, i think we're getting breaking news. hold on. >> the e-mails were flirtatious in nature and -- >> jennifer working with our producer there. >> this just in that a senior u.s. defense official does tell us that the e-mails with jill kelley and general allen were flirtatious in nature. (laughter). >> jon: you broke into the broadcast for that? this just in! the captain of the varsity football team jeremy winters is believed to have -- what's that? yes, i am getting confirmation! he totally (bleep) tammy blankenship under the bleachers. what's that? marsha says so as well? that's two sources. (laughter) by the way, we haven't even got on the the most amazing fact about these flirtatious e-mails.
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>> the f.b.i. has turned over 20,000 to 30,000 pages of documents found during the probe. many are e-mails between allen and kelley sent over the last two years. >> 30,000 pages of e-mails? i can understand that if stephen king and george r.r. martin were having an affair. (laughter) those are some prolific mother (bleep)ers. (laughter) but there's a fine line between seduction and spamming someone. (laughter) i don't think i've got than many e-mails ever and i was on the obama campaign mailing list. so okay the general, his biographer, his successor, and his former deputy have all been caught in big sexy time scandal. but that's it! revelation wise, where's the hunt? >> further complicating the case: officials say the f.b.i. agent who first launched the investigation, a friend of kelley's, is now himself is subject of an internal f.b.i.
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probe for suspected inappropriate behavior, including sending kelley shirtless photos of himself. (audience reacts) okay, two things. first what does this woman smell like? (laughter) is it a heady mixture of ambrosia and crack? (laughter) is she the spawn of marilyn monroe and a bottle of action body spray? (laughter) three sex scandals? and second, kudos to anonymous silhouette guy -- (laughter). -- on that shirtless photo. he's been working out. i remember with what this guy looked like last year. i mean, how did he take the weight off? oh, shake weight! well, that's a good call. for more we're joined by senior military analyst john oliver at the pentagon. (cheers and applause) so now that the scope of the
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scandal has widened, how is the military going to respond? there's got to be firings! >> skwro *epb, a few symbolic firings is no longer going to do the trick. we have to do something about heterosexuals in the military. (laughter) we've got to get rid of them, jon! they have got to go. >> that is a drastic step. i don't know than that's the answer. it's a drastic step. >> no, absolutely not, jon. they've got to be banned. if we think about it, it was probably a mistake to let them in in the first place. traditional armies were always gay, jon. as demonstrated in this documentary of a spectacular group of ripped gay spartans repelling what was at that point a much bigger even gayer persian army. (laughter). >> jon: many straights have served honorably and have not cheated on their spouses. >> jon, read the bible. these people are incapable of monogamy. it goes all the way back to the
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garden of eden. it's like the old biblical saying goes: for every woman made from adam's fifth rib there's a guy in a garden who's tired of (bleep)ing her. (laughter) and who's drawing pictures of his penis on a rock and trying to give it to eve's sister. (laughter). >> jon: i know that you know your bible so i won't question that. >> i do! i do! i love my book. >> jon: let's not be blind her, john, the majority of the military is heterosexual. if we ban straight people, who is left to defend us? is that robots? >> no, jon, that is out of the question! have you seen what robots do unsupervised? >> no, i -- oh. >> jon: . >> those are my roombas, jon, and that day i had to clean up their mess. (laughter). >> jon: well, thank you, john
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back, my guest tonight, one of the stars of "saturday night live," please welcome back to the program jason sudeikis. (cheers and applause) young man! >> oh, goodness! >> jon: nice to see you again! >> nice to see you as well. thanks for having me back. >> jon: stop it. new a unique position in this -- and i'm not sure i can think of a performer -- you did romney on s.n.l . >> yes. >> jon: but also biden. >> yeah, yeah, i was good to go. >> jon: you win!
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>> yeah, if you consider that winning. (laughter) pretending to be someone else for a whole year of your life, that's a form of winning. (laughter) i don't know. but -- >> jon: don't we all on some level? >> masks that we all wear. indeed, so well said. yeah and then there is -- isn't there an odd chance that romney could have won and then biden would have con? is there some election thing where they each could win? >> jon: there would have been in the 1800s, i think. >> okay, that's what i'm referring to. >> jon: i think they're paired up now. it's official that it was obama/biden. it wouldn't have been -- people couldn't have voted for biden and get electoral votes there. that's when they used to throw it to the house and then they would kind of go back and forth and all that. >> well -- >> jon: the other thing, too -- i don't remember that (bleep) from school. >> well, that's disappointing because that would have been fun. >> jon: it would have been a lot of fun. but who is more -- i would think
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bide is a more -- biden is a more fun play as a character. >> yeah, i mean i think we eventually found something with romney, our writers, seth meyers wrote the one from this last saturday. >> jon: that was a damn good one. >> i enjoyed it because we got to show the humanity of these people. one of my favorite ones that we got to do when i played biden was when obama came out and sort of got all the love for talking about gay marriage after biden came out and said it first and then i did it with ferrell coming out as george bush and you get to see the humanitytor human side of these people who you don't normally get to see it. >> jon: the more petty jealousies that occur. >> so to see the bittersweet nature of romney, a guy losing and getting handed to him and all the clowns, in minute, just the milk and the -- (laughter). but then dealing with paul ryan, dealing with trump, all these people that had his back supposedly and just him being there and the only person he had
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to rely on through it all was his wife. i think that's nice. i thought it was a thoughtful way to sort of say, you know, (bleep) off. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> jon: you look at -- he has undeniably like -- talk about a family -- people say the most important thing is family. talk about a family unit that is large, successful, good looking. you wonder, you turned around and you saw them all surround him at his concession spaoefpb and he's so heartbroken and that sense of "at least i still have my family." but do you think he looked at them like "all right. whatever." >> this will do. this will be fine. no i truly think that the guy's more human than we give him credit for. >> jon: did he ever stop by? >> i've never met him or joe biden. my father met joe biden in 2008 and had a really funny line where he said to the senator at that time, you know, hey, you do the best impression of my son i've ever seen. (laughter)
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>> jon: that's awesome. >> and joe biden's like "that's great! we've got to get a picture!" >> jon: bide than has weird energy. >> i never met him. i forgot he wasn't at the white house when seth cosponsored. they can't be in the same room at the same time which i sometimes think that's because biden and barack are the same person. (laughter) isn't that what they say? they can't fly together and travel together. obviously they can be some of the same rooms at the same time. >> jon: that would make it very difficult. i know they're not allowed to date the same lady. >> that's what it was. yes. eskimo twins. they're not allowed to be eskimo brothers or whatever. >> jon: the thing that strikes me there's an energy with him that it could go into -- like he always strikes me as the type of guy who tries to bang chicks at funerals. >> biden? really. >> jon: yeah, he just walkses in and he's like "hey, sorry about that guy, who's the broad?" he's got like a weird -- >> are you talking about that two hander movie you and i are going to do "funeral crashers"?
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are you talking about our movie? why are you talking about that? >> jon: i don't want to give it away. (applause) again, congratulations, though, on another season of "saturday night live." people don't realize, that's grueling. that's putting on a broadway play every week. >> yeah, it's really -- the fact that the people behind the scenes, our hair and makeup, wardrobe, set design people don't win perennial emmies is shocking to me because what they do in three days -- because we write it on monday and tonight's our writing night but then they build these things and create these things and these worlds and looks and two days -- and thursday, friday, and saturday. >> jon: and people will go "take it out of sherwood forest, we're going to put it on the u.s.s. monitor." >> we are jerks on the creative side. we're constantly changing things at the last second and guys in our wardrobe department are like "oh, really, that's what you want to do? great. we'll just call them and have them make that outfit. a blue snuffleupagus.
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brown's too obvious?" yeah, we get so used to -- and then you go to movie sets and unless you're like adam sandler, they can't do that stuff that fast. and more importantly they don't want to. >> right, this jacket doesn't fit right and they're like "yeah, well." >> "sorry." >> jon: "lose weight. i'm not taking it in." >> stop eating sandwiches at 2:00 a.m., jerk. >> jon: any good hosts coming up. >> we have jeremy renner this weekend. >> jon: bad ass. >> yeah, he is. >> jon: stay away from him. he can kill people. >> i have to be near him. >> jon: then you've got a real problem on your hands. i hope you survive. thanks for coming by. jason sudeikis, everybody. (cheers and
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> he's got four stars, he's written a book on counterinsurgency, he's the acknowledged expert in the world. he's one of the greatest generals america has ever produced. and yet he can't keep his pants captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ chappelle's show, chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show
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♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ow! ♪ whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪ whoo-hoo! ♪ yeah, yeah. [♪...] let's start the show. [♪...] man: ladies and gentlemen, dave chappelle! dave: hey. what? oh, snap, oh. thanks, y'all, thanks, y'all. welcome, everybody. welcome to chappelle's show. welcome, man. thanks for coming out tonight, y'all. you know, i almost was afraid no one would be here. i had a conversation that upset me where a dude said my show was offensive to black people. normally, that doesn't bother me, but he was white. so it freaked me out that much more. [laughter] he had me thinking for a second, "word, nigg...?" but he might have a point. i'm not gonna discount him just because he was white.